Interestingly, the first part of this blog "The Demise of Guys" has beat out all the porn laden posts. This may just mean I have more female readers, than males, not sure. In an effort to please, here are some more thoughts on the topic.
Today I had an interesting movement forward in my inner development. I have always been a little reactive with money, I will spare everyone all the history and details. Let's just say when I don't have money my self esteem plummets. I feel unworthy. I will tend to sabotage any relationship I am in because I think that as a man I need to have money for someone to be attracted to me. When the money goes away so too does my ability to think I have value in a relationship.
I have been working on looking at that inner voice, key as money comes and goes and in my profession there are periods of wealth and periods of drought. It is during these periods of drought that anger creeps in. "I am a successful doctor, I am not supposed to have these issues". Well, surprise they are here for us all. I am learning that money ebbs and flows and my value in a relationship does not have to ebb and flow in that tide.
So today I had a big, annoying financial surprise first thing in the morning. In the past two months I have multiple smaller annoying financial surprises, so this one should have been the topper! But alas, my mind was calm and blank! I calmly called the appropriate parties and did what I could to resolve the situation, then I let it go! Deep inside I knew that everything would work out. (It always does) Only this time I did not loose a ton of energy complaining and berating myself. (Oh to be a fly on the wall of my mind!) I had pure action with no reactivity in my mind about the whole thing! I think I may have finally decoupled my sexual attractiveness from the mythical number that says how much monetary value I own.
The irony of the whole situation is that I make good money, I have a rich life, and for the most part I am able to do what I want. (And tend to do so whether the money exists or not!) So how did it get so tied in with my ability to feel safe in a relationship? The answer is probably pretty obvious, it was socially programmed in at a young age.
Ok, get to the Penis dialog part... The real reason you are reading this. I have you by the dopamine receptors! (See prior blogs if you don't know what I am talking about)
This situation got me thinking about guys and their demise. I wonder how many guys associate their value with their net worth? I suppose it is similar to girls basing their value in a relationship on their sexual attractiveness or breast size. It is amazing to me how long that programming has lasted as I have not had a TV in years and like to think of myself as relatively sheltered from media and popular culture where those messages are blaring constantly.
The feminist revolution va-jayjay monologues and all have been good for both men and women. However, as social standards are shifting, I think a penis dialogue (thanks Dr. Brandies) is needed. After all, what is the good of a feminist movement with no enlightened males to enjoy it with? Ok, that was pretty hetero of me, but yes this affects my lovely lesbian friends as someone needs to make high quality sperm so you too may have babies. Here are the topics I would suggest for the dialogue:
1. It is a double standard to want economic equality for women while still expecting men to make more.
2. Your sexual attractiveness is not coupled to your pocketbook or breast size.
3. Zero tolerance for sexually abusive comments or actions no matter what she is wearing/doing. To be enforced by both sexes.
4. Role of media in perpetuating stereotypes of both sexes that are not desired.
Ultimately I think the uncoupling of the demise of guys is do give them a place at the discussion table. What do you guys think?
I like where your going with this. And especially like the idea of bringing some more enlightened guys to the table, or to my house for dinner. But maybe there should be a little more enlightenment, a little more melding of man with his intuitive and feeling nature before the penis dialogues begin.
ReplyDeleteAnd that double standard thing.... I'm gonna have to think a bit about that one. --TL
Yeah, the double standard rears it's head amongst even my most enlightened female friends! Are you cooking dinner or is he? Ha Ha, couldn't help myself...
DeleteFood for thought:
ReplyDeleteI think part of the answer to your question depends on what role do you as an individual feel you assume in your relationships? I'm still trying to figure out if its evolution, culture, or instinct that forces us to look for specific things in our mates. i.e. Women looking for stability, protection, strength and Men yearning for attractiveness, curves, breast size etc.
Our current culture has only seen men and women on the same playing field for what, maybe the last 20-30 years if even that? I think we need time to grow out of these categorizations and see the world from different viewpoints and perspectives, and therefore avoid the automatic cognitive or instinctive assumption of specific roles.
Having $$ is specifically related to personal stability and the stress of losing that stability can affect anyone, male or female. More people are independent and there is less dependence on others. We need to support ourselves throughout, not being able to do that is a threat to our sanity and can affect anyone. It can threaten confidence and question things you never questioned before. i.e guys feeling the need to ask, "What do you think, is my penis too small?". Conversely, lack of confidence in women manifests in the "do I look fat, how do I look, am I ugly (really?)" We are fine-tuned to place our worth where the majority of society places it for us but it doesn't have to be that way...
Dr. Holder, regardless of how much $$ you have, you definitely deserve the relationships you covet. I'm sure you will continue to be attractive regardless, inside and out.
Thanks Zephyr,
DeleteI like what you had to say about how financial stability affects both sexes. Made me think about whether this was less of an issue in traditional egalitarian societies where wealth was shared across the board...