Yes, even orgasm is not without peril! So as it is turning out the notion that orgasm is safe and healthy may be a little less black and white and more in a grey area. (like so much of sexuality!) I am reading the book "Cupid's Poisoned Arrow" by Marnia Robinson. It is convincing me that everything we are being told about sexuality is much different than reality. Much of the argument is steeped in neurobiology that goes a little something like this:
Guy likes girl, girl likes guy. Guy gets surge in dopamine and testosterone due to prospect of mating with novel mate. Girl gets surge in dopamine and estrogen at guy's pursuit of her. The bigger the pursuit, the bigger the dopamine build. Tension heightens, they have vigorous sex with orgasms and ejaculation. Guy's prolactin surges and he falls blissfully asleep. Girl's testosterone surges, she would like more. She cajoles him into more, he obliges. Both experience drastic falls in dopamine 12 to 36 hours post sex. Both become cranky, anxious, jittery.... basically they are going through withdrawal like any other addiction. He becomes an insensitive asshole, she becomes a nagging bitch... Two weeks later dopamine receptors recover, they exhibit loving behaviors and do it all over again. Sound familiar?
Unfortunately, real life is not as simple as this short synopsis of the book. It is well referenced and makes a great case as to all the reasons our brains get hijacked when we begin having sex with someone. Hence all the talking about it with girlfriends and siblings ala Sex in the City. We need someone with their rational brain still functioning to give us feed back! (yet we frequently ignore them until we hit rock bottom!) According to one fMRI based study the male brain ejaculating looks no different than a heroin addict getting a hit. (apparently the study subjects had to hold their head very still and not move while their partner serviced them inside the MRI machine! Lots of practice before attempting the imaging!)
Fortunately, the authors have some recommendations to avoid the roller coaster's dramatic ups and downs. The technique they recommend is called Karreza (What?). It is basically a sexual technique that involves slow lovemaking, caresses, cuddling, and avoidance of orgasm by both sexes. This prevents the massive release of dopamine that eventually drives couples apart and in search of other mates. In other words by not seeking satiation it is easier to stay together and avoid our neurobiological programing to spread our genes far and wide.
This concept is not really new and interspersed in the book are vignettes from other traditions such as taoism and tantra which also advocate for avoidance of orgasm except for when conception is desired. Many comment that they feel even greater satisfaction with their relationships as it promotes bonding behaviors that stimulate oxytocin release rather than dopaminergic highs.
Pretty interesting huh? Here is a link to the website http://www.reuniting.info/first_visit for those interested. The book so far is excellent, stay tuned for more insights. I am learning alot!
Interesting... so the people that have long term stable relationships either have quick dopamine receptor recovery, low levels of dopamine, don't have sex, or have multiple partners?
ReplyDeleteBrett, probably a little more complicated... and likely are not using sex as a coping mechanism, but rather for bonding. As I understand it, it is the coping that sets up addictive pathways and not the actual substance it self.
DeleteI stumbled upon this book a couple years ago in the library when I was deep in a study of Psyche and Cupid and in the process of changing how I do relationship. The author's research confirmed my own conclusion, based on extensive, personal, in-the-trenches study of sexual relationships, that what we usually call being "in love" is most often a drug-induced state of euphoria that is ultimately doomed to fail at producing long-term, sustainable love. I found the author's discussion fascinating, until I reached the argument against orgasm. Then I became bored and disinterested. I stuck with it, as I knew the resistance was symbolic, and finished the read. In the end, I remain pro-orgasm. I couldn't be converted by the "just say no" campaign either (maybe because I had already said Yes). Here's where my conclusion diverged from the author's. I believe that the original cause of sex addiction or what we call "love," is a spiritual one that stems from the false belief or illusion that we are separate from God, a belief in original sin or The Fall. When we begin from this place, we go seeking outside of ourselves in an "object" for the experience of God that we perceive we are missing from within, and we create a split, the "I-It" relationship as Martin Buber and Ken Wilber describe it. Because this split is created by the narcissistic, egocentric, separation consciousness, it ultimately leads to addiction because the ego can never be satiated. But if we begin each day seated on the throne of our higher self, in our rightful place at the table of God's divine banquet, engaged in the "I-Thou" relationship of God to God with all of existence, and God offers us the body of his son in human flesh and blood, as a sacrament, who are you not to eat? Who are you to deny God her orgasm? What if Bliss is our true original state? If we are God within, the union of human flesh with Spirit is the expression of our truest nature. I believe that for two people (or more, I suppose, but not visualizing because of the pornographic nature of such an image) committed to a daily, grounded experience of Unity consciousness (and the emotional sobriety it requires), orgasm within this context, what I call Eucharistic Sex, becomes yet another avenue by which to experience the trascendent state of unity with the Divine. A pretty delicious avenue, if I may say so! But that could just be the addict talking. I don't have the longitudinal study yet to test this hypothesis. That's my next endeavor! Enjoy the last, boring section of the book. As for myself, I enjoy my karezza with a climax.
ReplyDeleteGeorgia,
DeleteAs with Brett, I suspect the key is probably whether the orgasm was used as a coping mechanism rather than bonding... I wish their was a good marker for dopamine in the blood stream and oxytocin is a pain to measure, otherwise I would totally set up a study to confirm! As to your commentary, I think it fits nicely with this as addicts are ultimately searching for the union of I-Thou, ect.