Last night the family of the 19 year old boy I helped pull out of Green lake last week notified me that they were going to pull the plug. They thanked me profusely. They were so greatful for the few days they had to say goodbye. A cacophony of emotions flooded over me.
I was spending the evening with my daughter last weekend at Green lake. I heard a girl yell from the water that someone was drowning, then I saw her go under. I swam out their and pulled her up. There was another guy attached, thrashing around. I grabbed her and him by an arm and swam them in. Then to our horror, we realized there was another person out there. Adrenaline. Back out to the water. Yelling. Another swimmer brought the body to the surface. Together we swam him to shore and began CPR. I never got the other rescuer's name.
During the rescue I was acutely aware of time passing and how seconds suddenly had meaning. I felt angry that the life guards were gone and with it the access to the automatic defibrillator they likely had. As the seconds ticked away, internally I was in conflict: I knew he was likely brain dead by this time (you have about 8 min, give or take some min dependant on water temp) and wished I could just gently let him die. But I had about 50 people watching. Kids. My kid (she is fine). At the same time I could not let him die in front of all these people. I wanted to punch the guy recording me. I wanted to scream. I wanted to puke.
I felt embarrassed when I identified myself as a physician to the EMTs, they asked what kind. A Naturopath. Blank looks. "Not a real doctor" emerged from my synapses. I placed myself next to the EKG much to one of the EMT's annoyance...
The EMTs got there pretty fast, but it took awhile to get an airway established and a line. All the while CPR continued. The EKG showed a flat line the whole time. Inside I wished they would stop and get the body out of here. A shot of Epinephrine... A flutter on the EKG.. Atrial fibrillation... A min later a second shot of Epi... Heart beat! I was shocked. I did not think we would be able to restart his heart. From the time we pulled the body from the water, the lights behind the eyes were gone... Inside I had already felt that his soul was on the way to a better place. But now the body was alive again, sort of.
This is my worst night mare. I am DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) and not an organ donor because of this. My family knows my wishes and I have had legal paperwork drawn up already outlining my wishes. I felt incredibly guilty that I had put someone else in this position. See the following for more info http://thehealthcareblog.com/blog/2012/08/06/how-doctors-die/
Ironically, I made the call to the boys mother and did my best in very broken French and English with a translator to explain what happened and what and where Harborview was. I put his two friends in a cab, paid for it and gave them all the food I had on me. I was relieved to tell his mother he was alive... but what did that really mean?
I did not sleep a wink that night despite heavily medicating myself with natural sleep aids. Those 12 minutes flashed back in full detail, smells and all... all night long. I beat myself up over little details that likely would not have changed the outcome. But maybe they would have.. I was driving myself crazy. So this is what PTSD is...
The next day I went to Harborview and met the family. His mother and I cried in each others arms. I answered all their questions. They answered some of mine. I got to know who he was and how his family came to be in the U.S. Heartbreaking. Her only child. In between small seizures, I said goodbye to him. No response. I don't think the soul was in his body anymore.
This has been a real journey for me. The last several months have brought me a lot of loss, an aspect of my health, my best friend, a lover, and an emotional journey back to a Lakota Sundance in South Dakota. As the Beetles "Let it Be" blares away, I realize I am learning to let it be. I feel broken, but I know "This too shall pass". Accepting life as it is. Messy and beautiful. I don't feel like a hero. Only God was at work there. I was the tool. I was not really aware of what was happening until it was over. On automatic. As I pickup the pieces and work through the emotions, I am greatful for the gift of life and all the wonderful people and events I have experienced. Even this one as hard as it is. I know my life is better and enriched because of it. I trust in the "Great Mystery" as the Lakota put it.
A special thanks to Lauren Lake, Sean Bradley, Teresa Savarino, Stu Saunders, and David Radin for their roles in helping me to pick up the pieces and heal. I love you guys. Thanks to all who have compassionately listened to the story. Thanks to the other rescuer, the EMTs, and the nurses and doctors at Harborview's MCICU. Grateful for music that heals. Just Grateful.
A memorial fund has been set up for Rubin Guehi at https://rubinguehi.com/ Please donate to the fund to help the family with funeral expenses and to take him back to France.
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Monday, July 15, 2013
Justice. A deeper reflection into Travon Martin's case.
What is Justice? Can we bring back a young man who's life ended for no good reason? No we cannot. What is done is done. I wish we could bring him back. I wish there was no farce of a justice system, that is flawed in that it relies on human perception and judgement. But I cannot change these things any more than I can change the color of my skin.
All we can ask of ourselves is how does how I live my life play into this? Have I unjustly judged someone by the color of their skin, class, sex? Yes I have. If I am truly honest with myself, I find that I do this all the time. Daily. Unconsciously. All day long we all make generalizations, stereotypes, and judgements in an attempt to keep ourselves and our loved ones safe. How much of it is true? How many times have I unjustly judged a rich white person?
Does "winning" a case against George Zimmerman create justice? Probably not. He too is also a victim of these snap generalizations that we create in our inner world. These generalizations lead us to take actions that create reality.
I truely hope in my life time I will see us get to the place where Martin Luther Kings dream unfolds... "I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character." May we all begin judging each other by the content of our character. May we all begin to walk in beauty and awe of the wonderful creation we all are.
Here is a link to my previous post on this topic... http://wanderingmindcalmheart.blogspot.com/2012/03/trials-and-tribulations-of-being-young.html
All we can ask of ourselves is how does how I live my life play into this? Have I unjustly judged someone by the color of their skin, class, sex? Yes I have. If I am truly honest with myself, I find that I do this all the time. Daily. Unconsciously. All day long we all make generalizations, stereotypes, and judgements in an attempt to keep ourselves and our loved ones safe. How much of it is true? How many times have I unjustly judged a rich white person?
Does "winning" a case against George Zimmerman create justice? Probably not. He too is also a victim of these snap generalizations that we create in our inner world. These generalizations lead us to take actions that create reality.
I truely hope in my life time I will see us get to the place where Martin Luther Kings dream unfolds... "I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character." May we all begin judging each other by the content of our character. May we all begin to walk in beauty and awe of the wonderful creation we all are.
Here is a link to my previous post on this topic... http://wanderingmindcalmheart.blogspot.com/2012/03/trials-and-tribulations-of-being-young.html
Sunday, July 7, 2013
Codependency and abandonment.
After a rough month of self searching, I am coming to realize that I am codependent in relationships. Some of you who know me well may be saying "duh", but for me this is a new revelation. I must have been asleep during the lecture on codependency in med school... I wish someone would have woken me up for that one. It is easy to walk around saying she (or he) or all girls (all guys), and blame the other for when a relationship does not work out. Right now I am focusing on my role and patterns in the tango of love. I am finding that I have some traits that make things not work out. Such as I tend to abandon myself before others have a chance to.
Thanks to a good friend and a book, I am beginning to see the roots of my pathology in relationships. The book was "The Human Magnet Syndrome, Why We Love People Who Hurt Us" by Ross Rosenberg. https://humanmagnetsyndrome.com/ The book was not well written and was quite repetitive. Also offered no solutions, but was instrumental in helping me understand that there is a problem and I am part of it. The book describes the relationships between Codependents and Emotional Manipulators (Narcissists), the intense attraction that they have, that burns out into dysfunctionality. The book also delves into what type of childhood makes a codependent, vs the type of childhood that makes a Narcissist. It all rang too true.
Here is a article from his website that summarizes it. http://help4sexaddiction.com/codependency-dont-dance-revised.php
Not all my relationships have had this dynamic, in fact most have been quite healthy. Nor have I always been codependent, at times I can be a mild narcissist. Most people and relationships have a bit of both dynamics at times as well to further confuse the situation. It reminds me of our Psychology class in med school, where as we are going through the DSM IV manual definitions, we realize that we all tend to exhibit most of these "pathologies" at some time.
My recovering perfectionism plays into this in that many codependents have to be the "perfect" child, student, athlete, ect. Or else they are not worthy of love. This has gotten me very far in life, but has had a very big cost. Many codependents tend to be in the healthcare or other "caring" fields such as masseuses or aid workers. Many codependents fear saying no as it will lead to abandonment. Of course this fear of abandonment stems from childhood abandonment...
In contrast Emotional Manipulators at the extreme tend to be in marketing, acting, or performers. It takes a certain amount of self aggrandizement to get on stage and entertain. Our culture breeds and worships extreme narcissists. Narcissists tend to have to have all the attention and will dominate conversations. Extreme Narcissists believe that others exist to take care of them, with no reciprocity required on their part. Narcissists will have little tolerance for criticism and typically will abandon the codependent if they start asserting their boundaries.
My natural tendency to want to "fix" everything makes me especially vulnerable to the hooks Narcissists use to emotionally manipulate you back into the situation. My work is becoming ok with messes that I can't clean up and maintaining my boundaries. And of course exploring and healing my issues of abandonment.
I found the following article short and helpful in looking at the solutions.. http://mindfulconstruct.com/2010/07/09/end-a-codependent-relationship-the-healthy-way/
I agree with the article when it state that most codependents will finally break free when their anger reaches a breaking point and they cut the cord... (and their friends and family breath a sigh of relief!) The article also has some good ways to end a problematic relationship without perpetuating the codependency.
Thanks to a good friend and a book, I am beginning to see the roots of my pathology in relationships. The book was "The Human Magnet Syndrome, Why We Love People Who Hurt Us" by Ross Rosenberg. https://humanmagnetsyndrome.com/ The book was not well written and was quite repetitive. Also offered no solutions, but was instrumental in helping me understand that there is a problem and I am part of it. The book describes the relationships between Codependents and Emotional Manipulators (Narcissists), the intense attraction that they have, that burns out into dysfunctionality. The book also delves into what type of childhood makes a codependent, vs the type of childhood that makes a Narcissist. It all rang too true.
Here is a article from his website that summarizes it. http://help4sexaddiction.com/codependency-dont-dance-revised.php
Not all my relationships have had this dynamic, in fact most have been quite healthy. Nor have I always been codependent, at times I can be a mild narcissist. Most people and relationships have a bit of both dynamics at times as well to further confuse the situation. It reminds me of our Psychology class in med school, where as we are going through the DSM IV manual definitions, we realize that we all tend to exhibit most of these "pathologies" at some time.
My recovering perfectionism plays into this in that many codependents have to be the "perfect" child, student, athlete, ect. Or else they are not worthy of love. This has gotten me very far in life, but has had a very big cost. Many codependents tend to be in the healthcare or other "caring" fields such as masseuses or aid workers. Many codependents fear saying no as it will lead to abandonment. Of course this fear of abandonment stems from childhood abandonment...
In contrast Emotional Manipulators at the extreme tend to be in marketing, acting, or performers. It takes a certain amount of self aggrandizement to get on stage and entertain. Our culture breeds and worships extreme narcissists. Narcissists tend to have to have all the attention and will dominate conversations. Extreme Narcissists believe that others exist to take care of them, with no reciprocity required on their part. Narcissists will have little tolerance for criticism and typically will abandon the codependent if they start asserting their boundaries.
My natural tendency to want to "fix" everything makes me especially vulnerable to the hooks Narcissists use to emotionally manipulate you back into the situation. My work is becoming ok with messes that I can't clean up and maintaining my boundaries. And of course exploring and healing my issues of abandonment.
I found the following article short and helpful in looking at the solutions.. http://mindfulconstruct.com/2010/07/09/end-a-codependent-relationship-the-healthy-way/
I agree with the article when it state that most codependents will finally break free when their anger reaches a breaking point and they cut the cord... (and their friends and family breath a sigh of relief!) The article also has some good ways to end a problematic relationship without perpetuating the codependency.
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