Ironically I am writing this from an RV with my 4 year old daughter Penelope crawling all over me making otter noises... Yes after years of schooling, 2 advanced degrees, and a six figure income; I am starting over. I left a thriving practice in Seattle to come to California and find myself. Stupid maybe, entertaining yes. In the process of re-envisioning my life, I am running into trouble. Financial trouble, parenting trouble, career management trouble... I started out my career so promising, despite many challenges I somehow managed to land on my feet, grow a practice all the while co-parenting my daughter 50% of the time since she was 9 months old and resisting the temptation to put on a video for hours on end so I can work. I cook her organic fresh meals full of vegetables that she does not like. She tells me this daily.
In the end I have a bittersweet taste in my mouth. I am 33, unmarried, un-housed, and in a ridiculous amount of debt from all that schooling that was supposed to deliver me from that life of poverty I was accustomed to. In a way it has, have a higher standard of living than I grew up with. But alas there is not enough time, I need another 10 years to become a good provider. Yet time is not on my side in terms of having a family. My sperm are aging as I am dismayed to note, as more and more papers
assert that male fertility like female fertility begins to drop off at
35. Many papers are linking autism spectrum disorders to aging fathers. Putting to end the myth and notion that males can indefinitely have
healthy children. My own father is on the spectrum making it likely that I carry some of those genes. I always dreamed of having a happy family. Unfortunately, I spent the better part of my peak fertility chasing women that had no intention of partnering themselves to me. I feel a constant pressure to "do it all", have the family, career, house, car, all the things that make for a normal life in America. In the end, I have lost myself. I spend lots of time taking care of others, my child, and very little time on myself. I have a growing rage inside at having worked so hard only to see my career dwindle as I put in time and energy raising my child. Knowing that inside, if I don't exihibt sucess, then I won't be a good producer, and if I am not a good producer, then I will not be fit for a long term relationship. I have no trouble attracting women, they just don't stay when I can't keep up the pace of "doing it all". I am finding it very hard to advance my career while being a good parent. Let alone have time to have a relationship. Consequently, women come and go in my life as they should when I can no longer do the things that attracted them to me in the first place.
Every day I swallow my anger and resist my urge to scream "This is not my life!!" at the top of my lungs. I hate being a single parent, it boils my insides every day. It was the last thing I wanted in life after growing up in a single parent immigrant home. I love my career and wish I could spend more time at it. At first I blamed and aimed my anger and vitriol toward Penelope's mother, later I turned a corner and began blaming myself. For A Long Time. As I move and start my life over in a new place I have come to realize that what is happening is beyond myself and the choices I have made. The world is and has been changing, rapidly. Faster than this guy or guys in general can adapt to the demands of the world we find ourselves in. Consequently, both men and women are unhappy and unhappily ever after. And no one is writing a men's book about it. I have tried to find it. Maybe there should not be a "men's" book, but some guidelines and leadership to allow both sexes to work together.
The world is changing, women are "leaning in" to borrow Sheryl Sandberg of Facebook phrase from her book "Lean in" http://leanin.org/. I am in a profession that is predominantly women. (Naturopathic medicine... Medicine in general is also looking to be predominantly female as there are less and less males going into it as a profession). As I look back at the second paragraph of this blog I am struck by the notion that what I am experiencing is what women have been experiencing for a long time. The tension of having to figure out how to juggle family life with career aspirations. All the while feeling like we are doing both poorly. (Right now I have a pink teddy bear and a mermaid laying across my arms as I type). I wonder what will happen to all the men that lean out so women can lean in...
Since there were no books I could find to guide me in this brave new world, I have picked up "Lean In" to see what if any advice there is to men. I am lost. My initiatory experiences as a male have not prepared me for this world. I was programmed with antiquated notions of what my role is. I am programmed to be a provider. I am not the only male in this place. I am just the only one brave enough or stupid enough to write about it on a public forum. As the battle of the sexes rages on, I wonder when we can stop battling and move into true partnership. I am seeking partnership not just romantically, but as a society, so that all may lead fulfilling lives. I am now retiring this to go make a fort with my daughter. Stay tuned.
Sunday, December 8, 2013
Sunday, November 3, 2013
Starting Over
Last night was a solar eclipse. I don't know much about astrology, but when I looked up the meaning I found out that solar eclipses mark new beginnings. http://www.astrologyzone.com/forecasts/eclipse.html Today is a new beginning for me. Yesterday I flew down to Sebastopol, CA my new home and left Seattle. I will be joining Hill Park Medical Center for those who don't know. http://hillparkmedicalcenter.com/ I have lived in Seattle since I was 18. I went to college and med school there and never left. Seattle has been my home base for many exciting adventures. It has been my home where much learning and maturing has come to fruition.
It has also been made clear to me in the last year that my time there is coming to an end. There are bigger things ahead for my life. I am not entirely sure what these are, but they are eminent. I started reading Michael Pollen's new book "Cooked" http://michaelpollan.com/books/cooked/ yesterday on the plane. There was a section where it was being discussed the differences between humans and animals, one of which was the concept of cooking food. This got me thinking about another concept that is somewhat uniquely human other than a few exceptions... Tool making.
Many of you who know me know that I have had a long standing criticism of the role of technology in our lives. I am constantly struggle with the long term consequences of the technology I choose to have in my life. My iphone also falls into these bittersweet musings. Ironically in this move I have had to buy a car (a hybrid of course), something that has always bothered me. I also love practical gifts and making things that make my life better. Another Irony is that I am going to be working with Share Practice http://sharepractice.com/, Andrew Brandies' brainchild linking conventional and alternative medicines in a easy to use app that is going to revolutionize medicine. In the end, our role as humans in toolmaking is extraordinary, I am now joining humanity in assisting in making a cool tool for practitioners.
Where am I going as in individual? Where are we going as humanity? I am excited to begin my new beginning.
It has also been made clear to me in the last year that my time there is coming to an end. There are bigger things ahead for my life. I am not entirely sure what these are, but they are eminent. I started reading Michael Pollen's new book "Cooked" http://michaelpollan.com/books/cooked/ yesterday on the plane. There was a section where it was being discussed the differences between humans and animals, one of which was the concept of cooking food. This got me thinking about another concept that is somewhat uniquely human other than a few exceptions... Tool making.
Many of you who know me know that I have had a long standing criticism of the role of technology in our lives. I am constantly struggle with the long term consequences of the technology I choose to have in my life. My iphone also falls into these bittersweet musings. Ironically in this move I have had to buy a car (a hybrid of course), something that has always bothered me. I also love practical gifts and making things that make my life better. Another Irony is that I am going to be working with Share Practice http://sharepractice.com/, Andrew Brandies' brainchild linking conventional and alternative medicines in a easy to use app that is going to revolutionize medicine. In the end, our role as humans in toolmaking is extraordinary, I am now joining humanity in assisting in making a cool tool for practitioners.
Where am I going as in individual? Where are we going as humanity? I am excited to begin my new beginning.
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Pulling the Plug.
Last night the family of the 19 year old boy I helped pull out of Green lake last week notified me that they were going to pull the plug. They thanked me profusely. They were so greatful for the few days they had to say goodbye. A cacophony of emotions flooded over me.
I was spending the evening with my daughter last weekend at Green lake. I heard a girl yell from the water that someone was drowning, then I saw her go under. I swam out their and pulled her up. There was another guy attached, thrashing around. I grabbed her and him by an arm and swam them in. Then to our horror, we realized there was another person out there. Adrenaline. Back out to the water. Yelling. Another swimmer brought the body to the surface. Together we swam him to shore and began CPR. I never got the other rescuer's name.
During the rescue I was acutely aware of time passing and how seconds suddenly had meaning. I felt angry that the life guards were gone and with it the access to the automatic defibrillator they likely had. As the seconds ticked away, internally I was in conflict: I knew he was likely brain dead by this time (you have about 8 min, give or take some min dependant on water temp) and wished I could just gently let him die. But I had about 50 people watching. Kids. My kid (she is fine). At the same time I could not let him die in front of all these people. I wanted to punch the guy recording me. I wanted to scream. I wanted to puke.
I felt embarrassed when I identified myself as a physician to the EMTs, they asked what kind. A Naturopath. Blank looks. "Not a real doctor" emerged from my synapses. I placed myself next to the EKG much to one of the EMT's annoyance...
The EMTs got there pretty fast, but it took awhile to get an airway established and a line. All the while CPR continued. The EKG showed a flat line the whole time. Inside I wished they would stop and get the body out of here. A shot of Epinephrine... A flutter on the EKG.. Atrial fibrillation... A min later a second shot of Epi... Heart beat! I was shocked. I did not think we would be able to restart his heart. From the time we pulled the body from the water, the lights behind the eyes were gone... Inside I had already felt that his soul was on the way to a better place. But now the body was alive again, sort of.
This is my worst night mare. I am DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) and not an organ donor because of this. My family knows my wishes and I have had legal paperwork drawn up already outlining my wishes. I felt incredibly guilty that I had put someone else in this position. See the following for more info http://thehealthcareblog.com/blog/2012/08/06/how-doctors-die/
Ironically, I made the call to the boys mother and did my best in very broken French and English with a translator to explain what happened and what and where Harborview was. I put his two friends in a cab, paid for it and gave them all the food I had on me. I was relieved to tell his mother he was alive... but what did that really mean?
I did not sleep a wink that night despite heavily medicating myself with natural sleep aids. Those 12 minutes flashed back in full detail, smells and all... all night long. I beat myself up over little details that likely would not have changed the outcome. But maybe they would have.. I was driving myself crazy. So this is what PTSD is...
The next day I went to Harborview and met the family. His mother and I cried in each others arms. I answered all their questions. They answered some of mine. I got to know who he was and how his family came to be in the U.S. Heartbreaking. Her only child. In between small seizures, I said goodbye to him. No response. I don't think the soul was in his body anymore.
This has been a real journey for me. The last several months have brought me a lot of loss, an aspect of my health, my best friend, a lover, and an emotional journey back to a Lakota Sundance in South Dakota. As the Beetles "Let it Be" blares away, I realize I am learning to let it be. I feel broken, but I know "This too shall pass". Accepting life as it is. Messy and beautiful. I don't feel like a hero. Only God was at work there. I was the tool. I was not really aware of what was happening until it was over. On automatic. As I pickup the pieces and work through the emotions, I am greatful for the gift of life and all the wonderful people and events I have experienced. Even this one as hard as it is. I know my life is better and enriched because of it. I trust in the "Great Mystery" as the Lakota put it.
A special thanks to Lauren Lake, Sean Bradley, Teresa Savarino, Stu Saunders, and David Radin for their roles in helping me to pick up the pieces and heal. I love you guys. Thanks to all who have compassionately listened to the story. Thanks to the other rescuer, the EMTs, and the nurses and doctors at Harborview's MCICU. Grateful for music that heals. Just Grateful.
A memorial fund has been set up for Rubin Guehi at https://rubinguehi.com/ Please donate to the fund to help the family with funeral expenses and to take him back to France.
I was spending the evening with my daughter last weekend at Green lake. I heard a girl yell from the water that someone was drowning, then I saw her go under. I swam out their and pulled her up. There was another guy attached, thrashing around. I grabbed her and him by an arm and swam them in. Then to our horror, we realized there was another person out there. Adrenaline. Back out to the water. Yelling. Another swimmer brought the body to the surface. Together we swam him to shore and began CPR. I never got the other rescuer's name.
During the rescue I was acutely aware of time passing and how seconds suddenly had meaning. I felt angry that the life guards were gone and with it the access to the automatic defibrillator they likely had. As the seconds ticked away, internally I was in conflict: I knew he was likely brain dead by this time (you have about 8 min, give or take some min dependant on water temp) and wished I could just gently let him die. But I had about 50 people watching. Kids. My kid (she is fine). At the same time I could not let him die in front of all these people. I wanted to punch the guy recording me. I wanted to scream. I wanted to puke.
I felt embarrassed when I identified myself as a physician to the EMTs, they asked what kind. A Naturopath. Blank looks. "Not a real doctor" emerged from my synapses. I placed myself next to the EKG much to one of the EMT's annoyance...
The EMTs got there pretty fast, but it took awhile to get an airway established and a line. All the while CPR continued. The EKG showed a flat line the whole time. Inside I wished they would stop and get the body out of here. A shot of Epinephrine... A flutter on the EKG.. Atrial fibrillation... A min later a second shot of Epi... Heart beat! I was shocked. I did not think we would be able to restart his heart. From the time we pulled the body from the water, the lights behind the eyes were gone... Inside I had already felt that his soul was on the way to a better place. But now the body was alive again, sort of.
This is my worst night mare. I am DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) and not an organ donor because of this. My family knows my wishes and I have had legal paperwork drawn up already outlining my wishes. I felt incredibly guilty that I had put someone else in this position. See the following for more info http://thehealthcareblog.com/blog/2012/08/06/how-doctors-die/
Ironically, I made the call to the boys mother and did my best in very broken French and English with a translator to explain what happened and what and where Harborview was. I put his two friends in a cab, paid for it and gave them all the food I had on me. I was relieved to tell his mother he was alive... but what did that really mean?
I did not sleep a wink that night despite heavily medicating myself with natural sleep aids. Those 12 minutes flashed back in full detail, smells and all... all night long. I beat myself up over little details that likely would not have changed the outcome. But maybe they would have.. I was driving myself crazy. So this is what PTSD is...
The next day I went to Harborview and met the family. His mother and I cried in each others arms. I answered all their questions. They answered some of mine. I got to know who he was and how his family came to be in the U.S. Heartbreaking. Her only child. In between small seizures, I said goodbye to him. No response. I don't think the soul was in his body anymore.
This has been a real journey for me. The last several months have brought me a lot of loss, an aspect of my health, my best friend, a lover, and an emotional journey back to a Lakota Sundance in South Dakota. As the Beetles "Let it Be" blares away, I realize I am learning to let it be. I feel broken, but I know "This too shall pass". Accepting life as it is. Messy and beautiful. I don't feel like a hero. Only God was at work there. I was the tool. I was not really aware of what was happening until it was over. On automatic. As I pickup the pieces and work through the emotions, I am greatful for the gift of life and all the wonderful people and events I have experienced. Even this one as hard as it is. I know my life is better and enriched because of it. I trust in the "Great Mystery" as the Lakota put it.
A special thanks to Lauren Lake, Sean Bradley, Teresa Savarino, Stu Saunders, and David Radin for their roles in helping me to pick up the pieces and heal. I love you guys. Thanks to all who have compassionately listened to the story. Thanks to the other rescuer, the EMTs, and the nurses and doctors at Harborview's MCICU. Grateful for music that heals. Just Grateful.
A memorial fund has been set up for Rubin Guehi at https://rubinguehi.com/ Please donate to the fund to help the family with funeral expenses and to take him back to France.
Monday, July 15, 2013
Justice. A deeper reflection into Travon Martin's case.
What is Justice? Can we bring back a young man who's life ended for no good reason? No we cannot. What is done is done. I wish we could bring him back. I wish there was no farce of a justice system, that is flawed in that it relies on human perception and judgement. But I cannot change these things any more than I can change the color of my skin.
All we can ask of ourselves is how does how I live my life play into this? Have I unjustly judged someone by the color of their skin, class, sex? Yes I have. If I am truly honest with myself, I find that I do this all the time. Daily. Unconsciously. All day long we all make generalizations, stereotypes, and judgements in an attempt to keep ourselves and our loved ones safe. How much of it is true? How many times have I unjustly judged a rich white person?
Does "winning" a case against George Zimmerman create justice? Probably not. He too is also a victim of these snap generalizations that we create in our inner world. These generalizations lead us to take actions that create reality.
I truely hope in my life time I will see us get to the place where Martin Luther Kings dream unfolds... "I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character." May we all begin judging each other by the content of our character. May we all begin to walk in beauty and awe of the wonderful creation we all are.
Here is a link to my previous post on this topic... http://wanderingmindcalmheart.blogspot.com/2012/03/trials-and-tribulations-of-being-young.html
All we can ask of ourselves is how does how I live my life play into this? Have I unjustly judged someone by the color of their skin, class, sex? Yes I have. If I am truly honest with myself, I find that I do this all the time. Daily. Unconsciously. All day long we all make generalizations, stereotypes, and judgements in an attempt to keep ourselves and our loved ones safe. How much of it is true? How many times have I unjustly judged a rich white person?
Does "winning" a case against George Zimmerman create justice? Probably not. He too is also a victim of these snap generalizations that we create in our inner world. These generalizations lead us to take actions that create reality.
I truely hope in my life time I will see us get to the place where Martin Luther Kings dream unfolds... "I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character." May we all begin judging each other by the content of our character. May we all begin to walk in beauty and awe of the wonderful creation we all are.
Here is a link to my previous post on this topic... http://wanderingmindcalmheart.blogspot.com/2012/03/trials-and-tribulations-of-being-young.html
Sunday, July 7, 2013
Codependency and abandonment.
After a rough month of self searching, I am coming to realize that I am codependent in relationships. Some of you who know me well may be saying "duh", but for me this is a new revelation. I must have been asleep during the lecture on codependency in med school... I wish someone would have woken me up for that one. It is easy to walk around saying she (or he) or all girls (all guys), and blame the other for when a relationship does not work out. Right now I am focusing on my role and patterns in the tango of love. I am finding that I have some traits that make things not work out. Such as I tend to abandon myself before others have a chance to.
Thanks to a good friend and a book, I am beginning to see the roots of my pathology in relationships. The book was "The Human Magnet Syndrome, Why We Love People Who Hurt Us" by Ross Rosenberg. https://humanmagnetsyndrome.com/ The book was not well written and was quite repetitive. Also offered no solutions, but was instrumental in helping me understand that there is a problem and I am part of it. The book describes the relationships between Codependents and Emotional Manipulators (Narcissists), the intense attraction that they have, that burns out into dysfunctionality. The book also delves into what type of childhood makes a codependent, vs the type of childhood that makes a Narcissist. It all rang too true.
Here is a article from his website that summarizes it. http://help4sexaddiction.com/codependency-dont-dance-revised.php
Not all my relationships have had this dynamic, in fact most have been quite healthy. Nor have I always been codependent, at times I can be a mild narcissist. Most people and relationships have a bit of both dynamics at times as well to further confuse the situation. It reminds me of our Psychology class in med school, where as we are going through the DSM IV manual definitions, we realize that we all tend to exhibit most of these "pathologies" at some time.
My recovering perfectionism plays into this in that many codependents have to be the "perfect" child, student, athlete, ect. Or else they are not worthy of love. This has gotten me very far in life, but has had a very big cost. Many codependents tend to be in the healthcare or other "caring" fields such as masseuses or aid workers. Many codependents fear saying no as it will lead to abandonment. Of course this fear of abandonment stems from childhood abandonment...
In contrast Emotional Manipulators at the extreme tend to be in marketing, acting, or performers. It takes a certain amount of self aggrandizement to get on stage and entertain. Our culture breeds and worships extreme narcissists. Narcissists tend to have to have all the attention and will dominate conversations. Extreme Narcissists believe that others exist to take care of them, with no reciprocity required on their part. Narcissists will have little tolerance for criticism and typically will abandon the codependent if they start asserting their boundaries.
My natural tendency to want to "fix" everything makes me especially vulnerable to the hooks Narcissists use to emotionally manipulate you back into the situation. My work is becoming ok with messes that I can't clean up and maintaining my boundaries. And of course exploring and healing my issues of abandonment.
I found the following article short and helpful in looking at the solutions.. http://mindfulconstruct.com/2010/07/09/end-a-codependent-relationship-the-healthy-way/
I agree with the article when it state that most codependents will finally break free when their anger reaches a breaking point and they cut the cord... (and their friends and family breath a sigh of relief!) The article also has some good ways to end a problematic relationship without perpetuating the codependency.
Thanks to a good friend and a book, I am beginning to see the roots of my pathology in relationships. The book was "The Human Magnet Syndrome, Why We Love People Who Hurt Us" by Ross Rosenberg. https://humanmagnetsyndrome.com/ The book was not well written and was quite repetitive. Also offered no solutions, but was instrumental in helping me understand that there is a problem and I am part of it. The book describes the relationships between Codependents and Emotional Manipulators (Narcissists), the intense attraction that they have, that burns out into dysfunctionality. The book also delves into what type of childhood makes a codependent, vs the type of childhood that makes a Narcissist. It all rang too true.
Here is a article from his website that summarizes it. http://help4sexaddiction.com/codependency-dont-dance-revised.php
Not all my relationships have had this dynamic, in fact most have been quite healthy. Nor have I always been codependent, at times I can be a mild narcissist. Most people and relationships have a bit of both dynamics at times as well to further confuse the situation. It reminds me of our Psychology class in med school, where as we are going through the DSM IV manual definitions, we realize that we all tend to exhibit most of these "pathologies" at some time.
My recovering perfectionism plays into this in that many codependents have to be the "perfect" child, student, athlete, ect. Or else they are not worthy of love. This has gotten me very far in life, but has had a very big cost. Many codependents tend to be in the healthcare or other "caring" fields such as masseuses or aid workers. Many codependents fear saying no as it will lead to abandonment. Of course this fear of abandonment stems from childhood abandonment...
In contrast Emotional Manipulators at the extreme tend to be in marketing, acting, or performers. It takes a certain amount of self aggrandizement to get on stage and entertain. Our culture breeds and worships extreme narcissists. Narcissists tend to have to have all the attention and will dominate conversations. Extreme Narcissists believe that others exist to take care of them, with no reciprocity required on their part. Narcissists will have little tolerance for criticism and typically will abandon the codependent if they start asserting their boundaries.
My natural tendency to want to "fix" everything makes me especially vulnerable to the hooks Narcissists use to emotionally manipulate you back into the situation. My work is becoming ok with messes that I can't clean up and maintaining my boundaries. And of course exploring and healing my issues of abandonment.
I found the following article short and helpful in looking at the solutions.. http://mindfulconstruct.com/2010/07/09/end-a-codependent-relationship-the-healthy-way/
I agree with the article when it state that most codependents will finally break free when their anger reaches a breaking point and they cut the cord... (and their friends and family breath a sigh of relief!) The article also has some good ways to end a problematic relationship without perpetuating the codependency.
Sunday, May 26, 2013
The rise of "The Heist
Ever since I heard Macklemore's new album "The Heist" 4 days ago, I have been listening to it non stop. While I like the song "Thrift Store" and am in awe of his three hundred million and eight hundred thousand hits on You Tube (That's insane)http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QK8mJJJvaes, I love the album as whole. It has been a long time since I have listened to an album from start to finish old school Columbia House style (remember that, those hustlers!). Let alone, just out and bought an album after hearing it.
It is so refreshing to hear a rapper/hip hop artist singing about things other than guns, drugs, money, and women. The lyrics are superb, the beat is poppin' and its got me droppn some dough. Uhh.
Pretty amazing in that the album became number one on i tunes within hours of its release with no mainstream promotion or support. It made Hot 100 chart history by having their first two singles both become a #1 single, and the first to do so without being signed to a major record company in almost 20 years. http://www.billboard.com/articles/news/1560817/macklemore-ryan-lewis-cant-hold-us-tops-hot-100
With today's rampant technology, it is possible to listen artists for free. Spotify, Pandora, You Tube are amazing tools that have revolutionized consumer access to music. For many independent artists it is a way to get on the airwaves fast. However, the artists get paid very little when we use these tools compared to when we purchase songs and albums. This has put tremendous pressure on artists to make their living off live performances. More live performances is problematic as they end up having more vocal cord injuries and other repetitive use injuries in guitarists and drummers. Not to mention being on the road is exhausting. Please support independent artists by buying their albums and songs directly.
My favorite songs are "Awake", "Ten Thousand Hours" and "Starting Over".
Check it out.
It is so refreshing to hear a rapper/hip hop artist singing about things other than guns, drugs, money, and women. The lyrics are superb, the beat is poppin' and its got me droppn some dough. Uhh.
Pretty amazing in that the album became number one on i tunes within hours of its release with no mainstream promotion or support. It made Hot 100 chart history by having their first two singles both become a #1 single, and the first to do so without being signed to a major record company in almost 20 years. http://www.billboard.com/articles/news/1560817/macklemore-ryan-lewis-cant-hold-us-tops-hot-100
With today's rampant technology, it is possible to listen artists for free. Spotify, Pandora, You Tube are amazing tools that have revolutionized consumer access to music. For many independent artists it is a way to get on the airwaves fast. However, the artists get paid very little when we use these tools compared to when we purchase songs and albums. This has put tremendous pressure on artists to make their living off live performances. More live performances is problematic as they end up having more vocal cord injuries and other repetitive use injuries in guitarists and drummers. Not to mention being on the road is exhausting. Please support independent artists by buying their albums and songs directly.
My favorite songs are "Awake", "Ten Thousand Hours" and "Starting Over".
Check it out.
Saturday, May 25, 2013
Wrecking the Body of the World.
Last night I finished reading Eve Ensler's "In the Body of the World"
If you don't know who Eve Ensler is you should. Go ahead and google her. She has done much on her short time on Earth. Puts the rest of us to shame. Her shame led her to do amazing things. Most of us who have been shamed by sexual abuse sometimes respond by over caring and overworking. As if our existence on the planet can only be justified by doing amazing things to correct the ills of the planet. I really resonated with this. Her book was hard to read. Raw and horrifying. As someone who works with cancer patients, I could really feel her anguish about what was happening to her body. Equally intriguing is her linking her getting uterine cancer to working with women who have been sexually assaulted aka Raped. Was it linked to her rape by her father?
Equally harrowing, she links the rape of women to the rape of the planet. I too believe that they are no different and are born of the same consciousness. When we destroy the planet we destroy our future. When we rape a woman, we destroy her capacity to bring forth the future generations. We are cancer. You and me. The resources required for us to live our entitled lives requires the destruction of the Earth. We are the Cancer. We are Rapists. We create the conditions for cancer to arise when we live in this way.
Indigenous cultures have always held that the Earth is our "mother". After all it is her "body" that gives rise to the material substance of our bodies. Ashes to Ashes, dust to dust. We are born of and return to the Earth.
We need healthy women to have healthy children to have a better future. We also need a healthy Earth for that reality to occur. Life is short in the grand scheme of things. You can spend your life doing something small like accumulating resources to maintain the illusion of a comfortable life. Or we can build something bigger than ourselves. Something lasting, something for everyone. Lets build it together the time is now.
Equally harrowing, she links the rape of women to the rape of the planet. I too believe that they are no different and are born of the same consciousness. When we destroy the planet we destroy our future. When we rape a woman, we destroy her capacity to bring forth the future generations. We are cancer. You and me. The resources required for us to live our entitled lives requires the destruction of the Earth. We are the Cancer. We are Rapists. We create the conditions for cancer to arise when we live in this way.
Indigenous cultures have always held that the Earth is our "mother". After all it is her "body" that gives rise to the material substance of our bodies. Ashes to Ashes, dust to dust. We are born of and return to the Earth.
We need healthy women to have healthy children to have a better future. We also need a healthy Earth for that reality to occur. Life is short in the grand scheme of things. You can spend your life doing something small like accumulating resources to maintain the illusion of a comfortable life. Or we can build something bigger than ourselves. Something lasting, something for everyone. Lets build it together the time is now.
Saturday, April 6, 2013
Shame on me, shame in me...
Facing the shame in our life is never easy. I seem to have tons of it. Apparently my perfectionist tendencies are a way of avoiding it. Things have gotten so I can no longer avoid it. Recently a friend pointed out how much anger I have inside me. Watching a talk in response to the Stubenville rape got me thinking and examining my own shame. http://www.vday.org/livestream
Shame for men seems to surround their masculinity. If you are not "a man" then you will be filled with the sense of shame. I have always had a particular apathy towards the things that make one a man. Maybe this comes from growing up in a home where it was women that were defining me as a man, rather than having a man define me as a man. Or a culture that has always defined manhood to me with a negative connotation. Fortunately, I have wound my way around into manhood defined by myself and secure in myself. Or so I thought. This has not been without consequences.
Dr. Brene Brown has a TED talk on shame that is very enlightening. http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame.html I like how she separates shame and guilt. When you say "I am sorry I made a mistake" you are experiencing guilt. When you say "I am sorry I am a mistake" you are experiencing shame. My hair stood on end, this is me.
Both talks talk about how shame thrives in silence and secrecy. So here is my attempt to end my silence and secrecy to quell my own inner shame... Here goes...
Oh shit, this is hard... (a little, but loud voice in my head says I will never get laid again if I keep writing...)
I am ashamed for having the mother of my child leave me when our child was only 9 months old. My unspoken inner world told the story that I must really be a monster for this to happen. Statistically women will typically wait till the child is 4 before leaving the father. I knew this even then, and spent many nights berating myself over it. I think unconsciously I still do. I felt really alienated, the females in my life left and "tended and befriended" my child's mother; the males in my life knew nothing of how to be with an infant and stopped calling to hang out. But mostly, my intense sense of shame kept me from reaching out to my friends. I have felt very alone in fatherhood for the past 4 years.
I am ashamed for wanting at times to leave my child to chase women, money, and success. I have stayed with my child and have still gotten two of the three... I will let you decide which 2!
I am ashamed for being in debt. I think this ties into my ancestral past in slavery. I still am in shackles, they are just in my mind rather than around my ankles. Despite my success in work, my debt is such that it is unlikely that I will be able to pay it off. I can make my payments, but this is different than paying it off. Still feels like indentured servitude, only no one is beating me. This debt also shames me in terms of not being a "good provider". Despite the liberation of women into the joys and sorrows of working life, of not needing a man, I still feel intense pressure to "be a good provider". I feel a great sense of shame that I am not.
Because I have not felt like much of a provider (and therefore not a man), I have a constant feeling of not being enough for all the women in my life. I think my shame of this kept me from ever really showing up in my relationships. (Surely, with the sheer number of women I have dated, the problem must be me.) For a long time, I tried to blame women... Women this, women that... I am sure many of you have heard things along those lines come out of my mouth. For this I am sorry.
In Dr. Brene Brown's talk on shame (around min 17:00), she relates a story about a man talking about being vulnerable he said the women in his life "would rather me die on top of my white horse than watch me fall down... When we reach out and be vulnerable we get the shit beat out of us... and don't tell me it is from the guys, the coaches and the dads, because the women in my life are harder on me than anyone else." This rings true for me as well.
It sucks to not be enough. The constant criticism from the women in my life and my lack of a thick skin, has led me to always feel like I am not enough. Couple this with not being a provider with resources or power and you have a broken individual and a shell of a man. This leads to a worthlessness that sucks the life out of relationships and friendships. And for some, it sucks the life out of them. Rather than getting addicted to a substance to soothe my seething soul, I got addicted to perfection. If I am perfect enough I will be loved and cared for. I must never let someone see me rattled. When I did those people left me. Or at least that was the story I told myself. (Abandonment... That will take a whole other blog!)
My inability to be comfortable in my vulnerability has robbed me of vital friendships, loving relationships, and my own authenticity. I like how Dr. Brene Brown talks about how when you numb out from negative emotions and feelings, you can't be selective. You also loose the positive emotions of joy and gratitude as well... http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html
The irony of the whole thing is that every day I work with vulnerability and shame and am quite good at it. Every day people take of their clothes, bearing their naked body so I may examine it for signs of disease and health. Every day people bear their innermost secrets to me. Every day people bear their souls deepest wishes to me. Every day I walk others through the fear of disease and death that comes with a body. Ironically, every day the things that would quell my angst come out of my mouth. I am continually in awe of my patients ability to be vulnerable, honest, and authentic with me.
For my own healing, I am going to let myself be seen, love with my whole heart, find gratitude and joy, and finally be ENOUGH. I look forward to the journey...
Shame for men seems to surround their masculinity. If you are not "a man" then you will be filled with the sense of shame. I have always had a particular apathy towards the things that make one a man. Maybe this comes from growing up in a home where it was women that were defining me as a man, rather than having a man define me as a man. Or a culture that has always defined manhood to me with a negative connotation. Fortunately, I have wound my way around into manhood defined by myself and secure in myself. Or so I thought. This has not been without consequences.
Dr. Brene Brown has a TED talk on shame that is very enlightening. http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame.html I like how she separates shame and guilt. When you say "I am sorry I made a mistake" you are experiencing guilt. When you say "I am sorry I am a mistake" you are experiencing shame. My hair stood on end, this is me.
Both talks talk about how shame thrives in silence and secrecy. So here is my attempt to end my silence and secrecy to quell my own inner shame... Here goes...
Oh shit, this is hard... (a little, but loud voice in my head says I will never get laid again if I keep writing...)
I am ashamed for having the mother of my child leave me when our child was only 9 months old. My unspoken inner world told the story that I must really be a monster for this to happen. Statistically women will typically wait till the child is 4 before leaving the father. I knew this even then, and spent many nights berating myself over it. I think unconsciously I still do. I felt really alienated, the females in my life left and "tended and befriended" my child's mother; the males in my life knew nothing of how to be with an infant and stopped calling to hang out. But mostly, my intense sense of shame kept me from reaching out to my friends. I have felt very alone in fatherhood for the past 4 years.
I am ashamed for wanting at times to leave my child to chase women, money, and success. I have stayed with my child and have still gotten two of the three... I will let you decide which 2!
I am ashamed for being in debt. I think this ties into my ancestral past in slavery. I still am in shackles, they are just in my mind rather than around my ankles. Despite my success in work, my debt is such that it is unlikely that I will be able to pay it off. I can make my payments, but this is different than paying it off. Still feels like indentured servitude, only no one is beating me. This debt also shames me in terms of not being a "good provider". Despite the liberation of women into the joys and sorrows of working life, of not needing a man, I still feel intense pressure to "be a good provider". I feel a great sense of shame that I am not.
Because I have not felt like much of a provider (and therefore not a man), I have a constant feeling of not being enough for all the women in my life. I think my shame of this kept me from ever really showing up in my relationships. (Surely, with the sheer number of women I have dated, the problem must be me.) For a long time, I tried to blame women... Women this, women that... I am sure many of you have heard things along those lines come out of my mouth. For this I am sorry.
In Dr. Brene Brown's talk on shame (around min 17:00), she relates a story about a man talking about being vulnerable he said the women in his life "would rather me die on top of my white horse than watch me fall down... When we reach out and be vulnerable we get the shit beat out of us... and don't tell me it is from the guys, the coaches and the dads, because the women in my life are harder on me than anyone else." This rings true for me as well.
It sucks to not be enough. The constant criticism from the women in my life and my lack of a thick skin, has led me to always feel like I am not enough. Couple this with not being a provider with resources or power and you have a broken individual and a shell of a man. This leads to a worthlessness that sucks the life out of relationships and friendships. And for some, it sucks the life out of them. Rather than getting addicted to a substance to soothe my seething soul, I got addicted to perfection. If I am perfect enough I will be loved and cared for. I must never let someone see me rattled. When I did those people left me. Or at least that was the story I told myself. (Abandonment... That will take a whole other blog!)
My inability to be comfortable in my vulnerability has robbed me of vital friendships, loving relationships, and my own authenticity. I like how Dr. Brene Brown talks about how when you numb out from negative emotions and feelings, you can't be selective. You also loose the positive emotions of joy and gratitude as well... http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html
The irony of the whole thing is that every day I work with vulnerability and shame and am quite good at it. Every day people take of their clothes, bearing their naked body so I may examine it for signs of disease and health. Every day people bear their innermost secrets to me. Every day people bear their souls deepest wishes to me. Every day I walk others through the fear of disease and death that comes with a body. Ironically, every day the things that would quell my angst come out of my mouth. I am continually in awe of my patients ability to be vulnerable, honest, and authentic with me.
For my own healing, I am going to let myself be seen, love with my whole heart, find gratitude and joy, and finally be ENOUGH. I look forward to the journey...
Thursday, March 28, 2013
The Case Against Gay Marriage
There is no case against gay marriage. Which side of history will you be on? Take a stand.
Saturday, March 23, 2013
Rape culture
India made international news in December 2012 after a gang rape of a young woman despite being accompanied by a male friend who attempted to stop the rape. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2012_Delhi_gang_rape_case (Warning, do not read if sensitive, graphic description of her injuries). She later died 4 days later as a result of the assault. Al Jazeera had a good program looking at how the culture in India and recent changes of having women in the workplace has increased the phenomenon of rape and "eve teasing"http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eve_teasing in India. http://www.aljazeera.com/programmes/101east/2012/04/201242482823627221.html There is even now an ap for Indian women focused on reporting and protecting women. http://ibnlive.in.com/videos/370176/fightback-app-indias-first-mobile-application-for-womens-safety.html
I was saddened to see this in the news. Twelve years ago I traveled in India for 3 months. During my journey I accompanied many women traveling. Some on buses and trains. Some just wanting to go to a movie, just like the couple who were attacked. In many cases I was accompanying Caucasian women and eve teasers would not even realize that they were being accompanied as I blend into the background there when moving through a crowd. I used to always tell Caucasian women that in general they were safe in India as only Indian women were raped. There was a widespread belief that crimes against white women would be investigated and prosecuted, while crimes against Indian women would be unreported and are rarely prosecuted. Unfortunately, things have changed in India as a Swiss woman with her husband was recently gang raped in India. http://world.time.com/2013/03/16/swiss-tourist-gang-raped-in-central-india/
I suspect that one of the things driving the increase in sexual violence in India have to do with a complex mix of traditional views of women, especially women as property with modern pornography. I am surprised at the age of the perpetrators, they are young men. I don't believe that something like gang rape just happens, it has to be taught and it has to be culturally supported. I think the Internet has become the classroom for gang rapists. Where else would one learn something like that? It is not even in many Western films let alone Indian ones. When a man is sexually primed for gang raping, and then is economically disenfranchised ie too poor to get married, afford a prostitute, ect. then he will just take. As the stratification of wealth continues in India and less and less men can afford to marry in the traditional way, and no real concept of sex out of marriage, what will they do with their libidos? Likely turn to the internet. A small number of them will take what they learn there and act it out.
Our own rape culture is a bit different. Here in America apparently it is ok to have sex with an intoxicated female. So many bystanders and no one helping. If she can't say no and does not say yes, then this too is rape. In America you are far more likely to be raped by someone you know. This is known as date rape. A little different from gang rape or stranger rape, but just as damaging. It is estimated to be drastically under reported for a variety of reasons including the victim not being sure she was raped because the perp was her husband/boyfriend/friend. I have to confess that I have always been afraid that I would be accused of date rape and that being a dark skinned male would be highly likely to be vilified, prosecuted. I think most people who know me or have dated me would find this odd, but yes it is something I fear.
Rape, false rape accusations, and sports stars go hand and hand, from Kobe http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kobe_Bryant_sexual_assault_case, to Duke Lacross players http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Duke_lacrosse_case, to Seattle's Jeremy Stevens http://seattletimes.com/html/localnews/2004147460_rbstevens270.html, but now we have high school kids. Steubenville, OH has 2 high school charged with raping a 16 year old girl. Over 900 pictures were taken of the girl during and after the assault. Yet no one helped her.http://www.nydailynews.com/news/crime/steubenville-investigation-video-shows-fellow-students-concerned-victim-article-1.1297103 Why is that? How is it that teens have been acculturated to see this as a normal occurrence? Could it be that they see it on the Internet every day? Could it be that there are a plethora of websites showing intoxicated females in a party atmosphere having sex?
Rape is wrong, it always is no mater what the context. GUYS: If it is a grey area, when in doubt keep it out, it DOES NOT BELONG TO YOU. I think greater education can be done to help educate males about what is consensual and what is not. Both men and women contribute to rape culture. Men by continuing to view women as property, as sex objects, and as something for their comfort and gratification. Patricia Levy, PhD in a huffington post article explains how she thinks women contribute to rape culture. Here is her article... http://www.huffingtonpost.com/patricia-leavy-phd/why-girls-and-women-parti_b_2909542.html?utm_hp_ref=steubenville-rape
And now a shout out to those doing something to evoke change:
Tony Porter, see his TED Talk http://www.ted.com/talks/tony_porter_a_call_to_men.html
Eve Ensler and her One Billion Rising movement http://www.onebillionrising.org/livestream http://www.ted.com/talks/eve_ensler_on_security.html
Morley http://onebillionrising.org/blog/entry/rise-by-morley
L Vogelman Sexual Face of Violence: Rapists on Rape https://www.ncjrs.gov/App/Publications/abstract.aspx?ID=127046
Cindy Gallop creator of Make love not porn http://blog.ted.com/2009/12/02/cindy_gallop_ma/
http://www.makelovenotporn.com/
I think that rape culture and war culture go hand and hand. I see little difference between the mentality behind the rape of women, the rape of the planet, and the rape of other cultures. Behind all three lurk the need for power. Where did all these men lose their power?
I was saddened to see this in the news. Twelve years ago I traveled in India for 3 months. During my journey I accompanied many women traveling. Some on buses and trains. Some just wanting to go to a movie, just like the couple who were attacked. In many cases I was accompanying Caucasian women and eve teasers would not even realize that they were being accompanied as I blend into the background there when moving through a crowd. I used to always tell Caucasian women that in general they were safe in India as only Indian women were raped. There was a widespread belief that crimes against white women would be investigated and prosecuted, while crimes against Indian women would be unreported and are rarely prosecuted. Unfortunately, things have changed in India as a Swiss woman with her husband was recently gang raped in India. http://world.time.com/2013/03/16/swiss-tourist-gang-raped-in-central-india/
I suspect that one of the things driving the increase in sexual violence in India have to do with a complex mix of traditional views of women, especially women as property with modern pornography. I am surprised at the age of the perpetrators, they are young men. I don't believe that something like gang rape just happens, it has to be taught and it has to be culturally supported. I think the Internet has become the classroom for gang rapists. Where else would one learn something like that? It is not even in many Western films let alone Indian ones. When a man is sexually primed for gang raping, and then is economically disenfranchised ie too poor to get married, afford a prostitute, ect. then he will just take. As the stratification of wealth continues in India and less and less men can afford to marry in the traditional way, and no real concept of sex out of marriage, what will they do with their libidos? Likely turn to the internet. A small number of them will take what they learn there and act it out.
Our own rape culture is a bit different. Here in America apparently it is ok to have sex with an intoxicated female. So many bystanders and no one helping. If she can't say no and does not say yes, then this too is rape. In America you are far more likely to be raped by someone you know. This is known as date rape. A little different from gang rape or stranger rape, but just as damaging. It is estimated to be drastically under reported for a variety of reasons including the victim not being sure she was raped because the perp was her husband/boyfriend/friend. I have to confess that I have always been afraid that I would be accused of date rape and that being a dark skinned male would be highly likely to be vilified, prosecuted. I think most people who know me or have dated me would find this odd, but yes it is something I fear.
Rape, false rape accusations, and sports stars go hand and hand, from Kobe http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kobe_Bryant_sexual_assault_case, to Duke Lacross players http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Duke_lacrosse_case, to Seattle's Jeremy Stevens http://seattletimes.com/html/localnews/2004147460_rbstevens270.html, but now we have high school kids. Steubenville, OH has 2 high school charged with raping a 16 year old girl. Over 900 pictures were taken of the girl during and after the assault. Yet no one helped her.http://www.nydailynews.com/news/crime/steubenville-investigation-video-shows-fellow-students-concerned-victim-article-1.1297103 Why is that? How is it that teens have been acculturated to see this as a normal occurrence? Could it be that they see it on the Internet every day? Could it be that there are a plethora of websites showing intoxicated females in a party atmosphere having sex?
Rape is wrong, it always is no mater what the context. GUYS: If it is a grey area, when in doubt keep it out, it DOES NOT BELONG TO YOU. I think greater education can be done to help educate males about what is consensual and what is not. Both men and women contribute to rape culture. Men by continuing to view women as property, as sex objects, and as something for their comfort and gratification. Patricia Levy, PhD in a huffington post article explains how she thinks women contribute to rape culture. Here is her article... http://www.huffingtonpost.com/patricia-leavy-phd/why-girls-and-women-parti_b_2909542.html?utm_hp_ref=steubenville-rape
And now a shout out to those doing something to evoke change:
Tony Porter, see his TED Talk http://www.ted.com/talks/tony_porter_a_call_to_men.html
Eve Ensler and her One Billion Rising movement http://www.onebillionrising.org/livestream http://www.ted.com/talks/eve_ensler_on_security.html
Morley http://onebillionrising.org/blog/entry/rise-by-morley
L Vogelman Sexual Face of Violence: Rapists on Rape https://www.ncjrs.gov/App/Publications/abstract.aspx?ID=127046
Cindy Gallop creator of Make love not porn http://blog.ted.com/2009/12/02/cindy_gallop_ma/
http://www.makelovenotporn.com/
I think that rape culture and war culture go hand and hand. I see little difference between the mentality behind the rape of women, the rape of the planet, and the rape of other cultures. Behind all three lurk the need for power. Where did all these men lose their power?
Saturday, February 2, 2013
What are you? Where are you from?
The question I get on a nearly daily basis... What are you? Most often referring my amorphous racial appearance. When I was little I was told to say "Indian". Then I changed the response to "East Indian" after someone asked me "Dot or feather?" Later I learned that since my parents were both from Guyana (South America not Africa for you geography impaired Americans) that I should answer "West Indian".
As I grew older I began putting down "Asian" on applications as the PC term of "Multiracial" had not been coined. Occasionally I saw "Other" on the form... What the hell is an "Other"? But as I began learning about my family history, things got even more interesting. Here we go...
My mother is full East Indian, but not from India. She was born in Georgetown, Guyana from parents that were indentured laborers on sugar plantations. There families as far as the lore goes was that they were from Calcutta and Madras, India (Now Kolcutta and Chennai as they shrug off the vestiges of Colonialism).
My father is a mix of African and Chinese, but there has always been a rumor that some Caucasian blood mixed in there, but no one seems to know from where... Two common rumors formed, one was that it was Russian blood and the other that it was something from Great Britain ie English, Irish. There is also a third rumor that we had South American native blood as my father's family was living in Bartica, Guyana a place deep in the jungle of Guyana.
When Penelope my daughter was born she had deep blue eyes. As the early months went by her eye color changed to three colors... blue, green, and brown. This attracted a lot of attention from people passing by about the beauty of her eyes. As more months passed her eyes settled into the green shade that they are now.
My background is in molecular biology and specifically genetics... So naturally I realized that for me to have a green eyed child, I must have blue eyed genes and therefore must have Caucasian genes...
On Christmas break I sent in a DNA sample of myself to www.23andme.com for analysis and the results were very interesting...
So I am 50% South Asian (Indian) from my Mother, and the next highest category was 17.3% Caucasian! The rest was 15.9% Sub Saharan African, and 11.8% East Asian (Chinese).
And the kicker... The Caucasian genes match closest to Ireland and Lithuania! Both rumors were true! And alas, no South American Native genes...
So after the South Asian from my mother, the next highest category was Caucasian. This means all those times I was called a "Coconut" (brown on the outside, white on the inside) or "Oreo" (black on the outside, white on the inside), they were right! Stay tuned for more interesting insights...
As I grew older I began putting down "Asian" on applications as the PC term of "Multiracial" had not been coined. Occasionally I saw "Other" on the form... What the hell is an "Other"? But as I began learning about my family history, things got even more interesting. Here we go...
My mother is full East Indian, but not from India. She was born in Georgetown, Guyana from parents that were indentured laborers on sugar plantations. There families as far as the lore goes was that they were from Calcutta and Madras, India (Now Kolcutta and Chennai as they shrug off the vestiges of Colonialism).
My father is a mix of African and Chinese, but there has always been a rumor that some Caucasian blood mixed in there, but no one seems to know from where... Two common rumors formed, one was that it was Russian blood and the other that it was something from Great Britain ie English, Irish. There is also a third rumor that we had South American native blood as my father's family was living in Bartica, Guyana a place deep in the jungle of Guyana.
When Penelope my daughter was born she had deep blue eyes. As the early months went by her eye color changed to three colors... blue, green, and brown. This attracted a lot of attention from people passing by about the beauty of her eyes. As more months passed her eyes settled into the green shade that they are now.
My background is in molecular biology and specifically genetics... So naturally I realized that for me to have a green eyed child, I must have blue eyed genes and therefore must have Caucasian genes...
On Christmas break I sent in a DNA sample of myself to www.23andme.com for analysis and the results were very interesting...
So I am 50% South Asian (Indian) from my Mother, and the next highest category was 17.3% Caucasian! The rest was 15.9% Sub Saharan African, and 11.8% East Asian (Chinese).
And the kicker... The Caucasian genes match closest to Ireland and Lithuania! Both rumors were true! And alas, no South American Native genes...
So after the South Asian from my mother, the next highest category was Caucasian. This means all those times I was called a "Coconut" (brown on the outside, white on the inside) or "Oreo" (black on the outside, white on the inside), they were right! Stay tuned for more interesting insights...
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